Ranting

It’s been a while since I last blogged and a lot happened along the way. As I come closer to another milestone in age, I start to dread getting there. I never imagined myself having to deal with being somewhere and someone at this point. I definitely find myself to be more on the naive side of things growing up. I wanted to be in my own world. I used to beat myself up real bad mentally when I mess up but I’ve toned it down over the years. I decided to be kinder to myself but stress seems to overwhelm me even more. With the predisposition of certain illness and mixture of high stress, I ended up having that particular issue. We can only try to take better care of ourselves and realize and correct our behaviors. It’s not uncommon to have people in our lives who are not the most optimistic or even kind towards us. I’ve been blessed with friends who are kind to me when I’m not being kind to myself.

Last month, I made a trip to my hometown in China. It’s a really small town with not much going on but it’s a lot cleaner than I imagined. I’d praise it for good waste management for sure. It was a rather private matter that I made the trip with my family. I don’t think I would’ve gone had I not been coaxed with a trip to Japan after the family matters. Since I came to the US very early on, I have no attachment to this “hometown”. I try very hard to avoid extended family and family friends because they are all too dramatic for me (and fake). Whether it comes down to greed or gossip, they have a whole lot to spread around. I’m simple minded and want to keep my life simplified from unnecessary drama from others. I try to be as kind as possible and not to put my emotions on others. Unfortunately, this was another unpleasant trip to my hometown (last trip was ~15 years ago). What upsets me the most was something my oldest sister said to me. I’m sure at some point I’ve made it clear that I don’t care what others are saying and that for being my sister, I’d hope she would be kinder towards me and not be a hypocrite. Her response was, “You have no idea what people are talking about behind your back and it’s the truth”. I’m sure it’s along the line of lack of career accomplishments , “foreign” boyfriend, and maybe dumb things I’ve said or done. Should she really be an instigator? Like, really? You’re seriously going to be berate me and put me down with what others are saying about me. It’s too bad people closest to you can be so rude.

I haven’t accomplish much in my adulthood. I started work much later than others and stayed in school far too long. I don’t make a decent wage and definitely cannot support myself living in NYC without my parents. But I am grateful for all the comfort I have currently because of my family. Right now, after not getting into schools, I want to apply again but for something else a little less stressful and competitive. I still have to write those emails to professors who helped me with my recommendation letters. I’m not sure how to put it that I want to change what I’m applying to this time. Then again, who are we to judge? One step at a time. I still haven’t completely given up on what I applied to the first time. But it’s something I feel like I need to get back to at some point but just not now. Am I feeling too old at this age already? Yeah. But, all it matters is I’m alive and well. I get another chance to try. Then again, maybe next life time when I am even smarter and better at taking standardized tests. Thanks for another day. 🙂

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