Family Language 

Growing up in a household with parents who only had middle school and no education is marked with various kinds of difficulty. My mother never had an education because her family was poor and the  Chinese culture along with her family were/are sexist. The cultural influence is strong and even more so when you’re not educated. I grew up with lots of old fashioned ideas fed to me as truth and the only way to see things. I was quite the rebel growing up because I didn’t want to trust my family’s perception of things. I rebelled against them telling me how to look, dress and think about my birthmark. The remarks were along the lines of  something about me being ‘ugly, smelly and distasteful ‘. Most of the comments come from my most negative sister of course. Instead of being constructive, her words were more destructive of my self-esteem. She carried on the language others use with her and never thought to be helpful but criticize. They think it’s normal way of handling a situation until it’s them who are the novice at something. As I got through high school and college, the negative comments about my appearance decreased and also I forget them occasionally. One concept I had the longest time getting over with was being taught that the value of a woman is all dependent on her so called ‘ purity & virginity’. My mom is so adamant about this idea being true that she reminds me consantly. I can only nod and sort of agree dismissively. I know that, her lack of education is the cause for her non progressive ideas passed on in the culture and family members. My father in his age (70s) is more stuck in the Mao era than anything. His stubborn nature of doing things doesn’t help either. So, for him to have some education is close to being none as he doesn’t use any of it. 

The language I predominantly use in my daily life is English. It’s my stronger language to use than Chinese. When I was a young child, my mother often joke about me speaking only English the moment I open my mouth. However, she seems to have forgotten that to be true. When I tell my parents that I can’t fully explain something or understand phrases and words they say, my father automatically goes to attack mode. He attacks my education. Calling my college education useless whenever I can’t explain it in Chinese to them or don’t understand how to take care paperwork. I see no logic or connection between the two. Apparently my high education should have taught me how to handle life’s paperwork esp. ones for older adults. 

Much like many immigrant children growing up in US, I ended up being the ‘adult’ in taking care of any matters since I was 7yrs old. There’s a disconnect in the real adults’ belief that a child who can speak English and being automatically able to take care adult matters. 

Yeah, college, why weren’t we taught how to fill out paperwork and understand how slow and bureaucratic systems can be? 

Nevertheless, I know how fortunate I am with what I have even if compared to others, I have little. It’s because I know how China’s countryside children spend their lives. I’ve been blessed with parents who didn’t care about the sex of their children but love children in general. 

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Forgetting

I actually came to a point of forgetting Karen’s birthday until I saw a Facebook comment made by her friend. It came as a rather surprise to me that it happened but it’s what happens when you’ve been out of the other person’s life. She had been one of the best people I’ve met in my life who made my life better because she was there as a support. The same goes for Amy. I think of their departure from my life as…we’ve contributed what we needed to each other in that point of our lives and then moved on. Exactly how you would describe ‘bitter sweet’. 

I felt better later on in the day and got some things done. I’ve begun to ‘avoid’ or brush off any invitation from that negative individual. So, cheers to me. 

Another day in

I found myself being overwhelmed by my emotions again. It’s keeping me awake and also asleep til noon. It’s not only sunny but beautiful outside yet I wish to just stay in door for as long as I can. Sometimes I imagine myself cutting a really thick rope with a small piece of stone. A stone that weathered the water for years. Pretty useless in my instance though. But I want to be that stone. From sharp edges to fine ends. So, I hold it in and keep moving and most importantly, away from that one individual who doesn’t know or understand me to always make the most blatantly obvious statements that pushes me towards the edge of my imaginary cliff. This person can’t find peace in herself and spreads negativity. I’m so impressed with her partner. It’s  no longer surprising when they argue. 

In my family, it’s very typical for everyone to use the method of throwing you in the water to get you swimming when you don’t know how. Everything is ‘isn’t it obvious what you should do’. No, it’s not. There’s no teaching. 

It’s upsetting. Worst part? Lack of proper communications. I guess there would be… Since English isn’t the language they rely more on compared to me.

I hope to release this tight feeling from my chest and be more productive. 

Feelings can suffocate. 

Back to blogging! It’s Fall!

Time is flying by really fast. I can’t say I enjoy or don’t enjoy being in school again even though at the end, there’s no end product to show for especially if I fail to get into med school…

Many things happened over the years, some good, bad and even ugly ones. Probably one of the good ones is still most surprising for me. I don’t want to jinx it because sometimes emotions are just so fickle. No negative emotions *hooray*

It always seem so unexpected who shows up in your life and for a period of time just stays with you. It’s nice that at the very least, I still have one friend from high school who’s still there. A much more reciprocal relationship than most others (other than my bf). Most recently, I ran into the same issue she dealt with in high school. I went out of my way to try and plan to hangout with some people and at last moment get dropped, one, two, too many times.

Towards the end, I got the signal, I’ll just leave you be. No bad taste. You’re busy, I get it. But most importantly, I get that I’m not on your top list and that’s okay too.

Currently, if you still can’t tell, I’m okay with everything, haha.

I’ve tried very hard to get my mother to learn English but for her, even having 10-20 minutes a day to spare to spend on re-writing abc is difficult. She would make a bad student. I don’t know where I came from.

Since I graduated, I’ve been getting indigestion very often. x_x I don’t know if it’s the food, environment or everything together. It’s unpleasant.

It’s definitely natural for people to get busy as they get older, but I would still want to spend a lot of time with friends. ^_^

I was just talking to a friend in Korea last night and he said college matured him. I feel that way too. I’m much more comfortable talking about a lot of things that I wouldn’t have been able to in high school. Safe space helps a lot.